I’m writing this on May 20th - exactly one week before I start my new job, and exactly 25 days since I defended my thesis. In those 25 days, I have:

  • Finished 5 sewing projects I am proud of and progressed in my sewing skills;

  • Gone on 1 solo overnight bike packing trip and camped on my own for the first time;

  • Slept at the encampment on campus and felt both inspired and challenged;

  • Seen the Northern Lights in the city and witnessed a beautiful congregation of people sharing this special moment on the beach, after a night of drinking and making new friends;

  • Went on my first overnight paddling trip with a wonderful group of friends and discovered a new way of being in the outdoors;

  • Finished an incredibly original and exciting SciFi book (3 Body Problem) ;

  • Discovered the Merlin App and the beauty and complexity of birdsong. Finally identified the ‘Teet Toot-er’ in our garden;

  • Witnessed the arrival of Spring;

  • Spent slow time with friends and supported them through difficult times;

  • Learned how to drive manual;

  • Felt a complete lack of urgency or stress.

The reason I started writing this post is because I was feeling lethargic and anxious. I was overcome with this sudden anxiety that I had wasted the last few weeks away; that I had missed this huge opportunity to improve myself, that I may not have again for the foreseeable future. It is easy to focus on the negative, and create a list of things I didn’t do: I didn’t develop healthy routines; I didn’t use this time to meditate or work on myself; I didn’t get incredibly ripped rock climbing; I didn’t travel far.

But it’s funny - writing this post has helped me put things into perspective, and recognize the incredible gratitude I should feel for having experienced everything I did in that list at the start of this post. It’s such a lesson in letting go of the mindset that you should always be doing more; that you can never be content. That you shouldn’t show yourself grace, and allow yourself to rest. It’s such an easy mindset to fall into in the society that we live in: we are constantly comparing ourselves with the highlight reels of others, constantly told that we are not enough as we are; that we should commodify every part of ourselves. That for our lives to be meaningful, they should consist of a never-ending stream of experiences, stepping stones, and progress. Much like the economic system we live in, the trend curve must always go up; infinite growth. It feels good to be reminded of how insidious this line of thinking is, so I can push back against it a little harder each time.

I am coming back to this page on June 17th, 3 weeks into my new job, and found it so interesting to read this again. I am reminded of the importance of patience. Things take time. Things are not linear. Cultivating practices and habits takes time. Things leave, and they come back. I love this current moment in my life - as I have every other moment in my life - because it always teaches me something, and will continue to do so. So much growth was experienced during that period of funemployment, I just couldn’t fully appreciate it yet because not enough time had passed, I hadn’t let it percolate. Now, I can appreciate it more. So, future me, remember to be patient, and remember to be humble: you don’t know everything, and even your ‘self’ is a mystery slowly unravelling itself to you, pulling the wool over your eyes just as you think you’ve cracked it.