7 FEB 2024

First craft night of the year, at E and H’s place; a warm and welcoming chalet-like home, filled with homemade wooden furniture and colourful carpets. We sat around the big table in the living room and crafted, chatted and laughed. I am very grateful for these gentle and honest evenings we spend together. On the walk back, I enjoyed seeing Vancouver’s suburbs at night through the lens of my old iPhone. I think the quiet, manicured streets combined with the imposing old trees give the city a beautifully eerie look.

Got high on the beach and thought I was imagining the ethereal sounds I could hear - but no, it was a girl sitting by herself, playing the steel tongue drum. It was so beautiful, I went up to her afterwards to thank her for adding such a special quality to my beach hang. She let me play it for a little, it was wonderful.

9 FEB 2024

Walked through campus on the way to the bus, and appreciated the architecture for the first time since I moved here. It’s a lot of little grey and colourful cubes, true, but I like how the little cubes contrast with the wild squiggles of nature.

11 FEB 2024

Skiing the Musical Bumps with T, E and H. SO fun. First time in the ‘proper’ backcountry for me. So intimidating but also so addictive. Incredible snow, lots of laughs, wonderful company, and a little glimpse of views amidst mostly whiteout conditions. A highlight was my skins completely losing their stickiness mere seconds after I told T, after we realized we would need to (annoyingly) skin up one final time, that backcountry skiing is all about embracing the faff, learning to love all parts of it, including the very laborious and often frustrating transitions. I may have had a little tantrum while I was trying to tie my skins to my skis using ski straps. A few pints at the pub and good chats about EU politics later and we were back home, exhausted but happy to live in a place where this is how we get to spend our Sundays.

Had a good time celebrating T with the house, although we inexplicably decided to have a house meeting on his birthday (which was also Valentine’s day - not that we’re big celebrators). Things got pretty tense after a few Fireball shots. I think I was feeling prickly anyway - the situation with my thesis was getting to me - and was reacting particularly strongly to J’s behaviour. On the best of days, I find that he tries to bully or manipulate us into agreeing with whatever he wants, and I was not in the mood for it that night.There are probably more mature ways to deal with a belligerent, rude person than being belligerent and rude in return. I want to work on that. Become someone who can soothe conflict rather than escalate it, and who can calmly get her point across. 

21 March: I stopped writing here for about a month, so I am now filling in the gaps retroactively. Life became very busy and fast-paced all of a sudden: social obligations, finishing my thesis, trying to get my driver’s license, and finding time to see my friends and spend time in the outdoors. Here are some scattered thoughts and highlights from that time: 

12 - 13 FEB: A period of intense sewing in preparation for the birthday boy’s 31st birthday on the 14th culminated in the creation of a chalk bag embroidered with mementos and memories from his friends. Sewing brings me so much joy. It feels like a form of creating in which I am completely free to play and experiment. I like reusing old fabrics in an original way and giving them a new life. I like the patchy, mismatched and sometimes clashing effect created by using different types of fabrics in one piece. Even despite my lack of experience and my tendency to rush projects, I have been very happy with the final product every time. I did feel weirdly self-conscious about this being the only gift I got T - I think it’s a combination of this not necessarily being a very useful gift for T, and it also being a very heartfelt gift, which can sometimes feel vulnerable and even a little embarrassing to gift.

 February 15th: The day of the much anticipated meeting with N in my committee to agree on next steps for my thesis and clear the air after the heated series of emails he’d sent. I was really anxious about the meeting, and unsure of where it was going to go. In the days, maybe weeks, before the meeting, I noticed that I was carrying a lot of anger towards N and my committee about how they handled our collaboration and the lack of respect I felt they’d treated me with. I found myself drifting off during the day and ruminating about the situation, getting angrier and angrier, unable to stay present or focus on whatever I was doing at the time. Generally not the most productive or healthy state to be in - I definitely wasn’t handling it well. I have a tendency to become so wrapped up in my emotions, particularly when I feel like someone has treated me unfairly, that I lose perspective completely. I become consumed by the need to say my piece and stand up for myself at all costs, even if it means burning bridges in the process. That didn’t end up happening this time, for a few reasons: good advice from T and the people around me, a supportive supervisor who was on my side throughout, and the fact that the meeting went much better than expected. In fact, it went about as well as it could have, with N apologizing immediately, and S asking whether I would work for him over the summer (plus offering me the role of project manager if we received the grant I had just helped him apply for - that was a nice confidence boost). It lifted a lot of the anxiety I’d been feeling about what I would do after graduation, my rapidly depleting savings, and my self-esteem, which had taken a big hit after those emails.

I think sometimes life keeps throwing the same situation your way until you learn whatever lesson you’re supposed to learn from it, so that you can break particular behavioural patterns. It’s certainly not the first time that I’ve been underestimated or undermined at work by a man with a chip on his shoulder. As RH told me back in Nepal, this will likely be something I have to deal with for the rest of my life, and I need to learn how to carry myself in those situations so that I can keep my head up high and feel proud of myself. I think the lessons I want to take away from this are: 1. What decision (or behavior, or action) will I be glad I made in a few years, when I look back on this moment? Use this question to guide me through difficult situations. In this case, although it was tempting to tell the committee that I didn’t want to continue collaborating on these projects given how I was being spoken to, that would have ultimately hurt me more than anything. It also cynically assumes the worst in other people: N took me by surprise by apologizing and taking responsibility for his behaviour; this wasn’t even something I considered possible while I was ruminating. Much time and energy was wasted getting upset about a situation that ended up playing out very differently than I was expecting. 2. I always regret acting out of anger. “What starts in anger ends in shame” - this has felt very true to me recently. It’s worth remembering too that I am particularly sensitive to being patronized, condescended to, underestimated or put in a box. I respond in anger to over-correct for my fear of being “too nice” to people who don’t deserve it. This leads me to lesson 3: if I can work on my self-esteem, I will be less affected by situations like this, because I won’t feel such a strong need for external validation, nor will I internalize the feelings and behaviours of others as much. Finally, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and feel proud. What I struggle with sometimes is how to balance, on the one hand, not wanting to be a pushover, and on the other hand, wanting to be kind, understanding and (for)giving. I would like to investigate this a little more - figure out what it would look like for me to have a backbone while staying true to those values I identified as important to me in therapy (goodness, compassion, curiosity, joy, justice).

That evening, we went to the beach and celebrated. It seemed like everyone had a good day: V was told Mastering out would be an option; D successfully defended his thesis; we celebrated T’s birthday, and I was over the moon from the conversation with my committee. We sat around the fire, got very loose, and stayed up late. A very honest conversation was had with R about his relationship, which I felt a little weird about the next day, but the evening ended with R staying at ours and us crying with laughter over the middle-finger game. Highlight was the 2 am knock on our bedroom door, and us knowing exactly what was about to happen. Too slow, R. Too slow. 

February 16th: The next day, I dragged myself out to Kits beach around 3pm to watch the sunset. V joined me, as did a very cute little dog (pug pictured above). Have I mentioned how lucky I feel to live here? V and I laughed a lot about the crazy situations she has to deal with through her work with participants - it can get pretty dark, so it’s nice when we’re able to find the funny in it.

February 18-19th: Took the bus to Squamish and spent the day with A. We went up on the Sea to Sky Gondola for the first time and hiked most of the trails up there. It was really nice, I feel like A and I rarely get to spend that kind of time one on one, getting to know each other and just enjoying each other’s company without big group dynamics or ambitious outdoor plans to distract us. I got to see her house for the first time, which is beautiful, and it was nice to cuddle up on the couch, drink dandelion root “coffee”, think of tattoo ideas by scribbling on our arms and legs, and reading fairy smut. Then, T, S and G came to pick me up, and we went camping at Chek Canyon. Absolute nonsense chat was had, courtesy of shrooms (“The moon melts clouds” — okay this was said by T who was stone cold sober to be fair) (“THERE IS SO MUCH TRASH” — it was ice, but ice breaking sounds like empty beer cans being tousled and I stand by that). I felt a little bad that we didn’t get to spend much quality time with S, but I think we made up for it the next day when we went up to the “secret” springs. I was aching for some quiet time and spent a lot of time by the river, watching the clear water flow over the rocks, and enjoying the big cliff face that hangs above the river. It’s one of my favourite views in BC, even with it getting as busy as it gets. Bumped into a certain someone and only felt mildly irritated, which is a dramatic improvement from how I used to feel. Proud of myself, but know that I still have a long way to go.

February 20th: Made an odd little bag! I’m very happy with how it turned out, although - as always - I ended up rushing bits of it and not properly planning. So, the sling is a little janky and not as neatly finished as I would have liked, which doesn’t matter too much for the style I was going for anyway, but does serve as a bit of a reminder to SLOW DOWN and TAKE MY TIME when making things. It’ll get me a nicer finished product, and is probably more conducive to learning.

February 25-26th: I think the days leading up to this weekend were mostly filled with work. I was feeling pretty socially burnt out, and felt like my weeks were getting filled so quickly that I started to feel overwhelmed and out of control. It’s interesting that I remember feeling that way, because when I look back at everything I did during that time, it seems so obvious to me that I was filling my days with beautiful events, celebrating the wonderful people in my life, and that I really don’t have much to complain about. Still, that feeling was there, and serves as a reminder that I do tend towards introversion a lot of the time, and need to build a few days in the week where I am in complete control of how I spend my time so that I have time to rest and recharge. Anyway, just as I was feeling tired and overwhelmed, A invited E and I to spend time with her, A and E on Galiano island. I’d never been before, and got to experience this little gem of an island in the best possible way: with kind and generous people, having interesting and silly conversations about effective activism, what plant family we belong to (I was Mallows!), and the fact that we were all at the Big Bang (“That’s where I know you from!”). A and E’s house there was beautiful, as were the Madrone trees dotting the island’s coasts; the beautiful sandstone rock formations (tafoni!), formed by centuries of salty water and wind; the cuddle puddle of sea lions enjoying the sun; and the old growth forest we walked through on the way back to the car, picking nettle and turkey tail along the way. Two years earlier, A and A were sat on the exact spot we were sitting at on Dionisio point (a truly mythical name) and witnessed a pod of orcas chasing a group of teenage sea lions. One of the orcas almost beached itself trying to chase a clever sea lion into a shallower part of the water. I have since given A a lot of shit for sitting on that story for 2 years and never mentioning it before, but I guess those kinds of sights are a lot more common in Alaska. 

And that’s a wrap for February 2024! The remainder of the month was spent doing data work and getting my thesis a little closer to completion. Retroactively writing about these last few weeks has been nice for a few reasons. Writing with some distance from the events means that a lot of the little worries and anxieties I felt at the time have melted away, leaving only the beautiful essence of those days. It’s comparable to how I feel when I scroll through my own instagram profile; it’s a little capsule of beautiful moments, a highlight reel, with none of the murky and messy feelings that take me out of the present and colonize the little brain space I have. There’s two ways you can look at that. On the one hand, it’s important to recognize that life scrubbed clean from human messiness and emotion is an incomplete representation. We worry about the state of the world, about the well-being of those we know and those we don’t, about our role as a local and global citizen. Our insecurities and anxieties bump up against those of others and lead to misunderstandings, frictions and overreactions that can quickly overshadow the beauty we are surrounded by. But that’s why I appreciate these retroactive bits of journalling. It’s like passing my life through a big sieve, filtering out the irrelevant or unimportant and leaving behind the little nuggets of gold, the moments which I am so lucky to experience and which, over time, stack up to create a life. It reminds me of what is important. That is not to say that those moments of pain or anxiety aren’t important or real experiences worth processing or thinking about (toxic positivity and all that), but rather that I cherish the opportunities to remember and appreciate how lucky I am to live this particular life, how beautiful and wild it all is, and that put my worries into perspective. Not to minimize or ignore them, but to give them an appropriate amount of power and attention.