March has been a heavy month. I felt sluggish and unmotivated, which oddly seems to be how I respond to feeling overwhelmed. You would think that the perceived urgency of life here would kick my butt into action, but instead I spent many days this month unable to get out of bed until late, lost deep in my own head replaying situations and conversations, feeling anxious and generally being pretty mean to myself.

A lot of things happened. T had a discouraging meeting on his birthday with a potential employer which sent him spinning out about his career and status in Canada. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it had a very severe impact on him. As a result, he seemed distant, cold and distracted in our interactions, which made me feel anxious, insecure, hurt and, towards the end, angry. This relationship means a lot to me, and I was struck by an intense sense of anticipatory loss; pre-emptively mourning the end of the relationship and letting it confirm the belief I have that I am fundamentally unlovable; that the only way I can be loved is if I am perfect or make people feel good (‘you only love how I make you feel’). 

This is stuff that I’m trying to work on in therapy, and that has added another layer of heaviness to this month. Therapy has been helpful in identifying the root of a lot of my behaviour, and by understanding it a little better I feel better equipped to identify or notice it when it is happening. Noticing it is helpful, in theory, because it can become an opportunity to challenge the thought or behaviour, or use some practices to lessen its intensity. It’s heavy though. I feel sad for my younger self who had to develop these tools to protect herself. Those tools feel heavy and restrictive now. They make me feel like the only way I can truly be at ease is when I am alone, while also yearning deeply for interpersonal connections that will somehow free me from these self-imposed shackles and confirm to me, once and for all, that I am loveable, that I am good, that I am not in competition with others for love, affection and validation. I’ve been very resistant to the idea that this can be true. I want to be kind, generous, ambitious.. and I’m scared that 'loving myself’ will mean becoming complacent, slacking off. It’s a lot of pressure to put on myself. It is unproductive: I become paralysed by the constant criticism in my own head; it takes me out of the moment and alienates me from myself. It is also missing the point completely. The point isn’t to love myself at all costs, blind to my own flaws or shortcomings. Rather, it’s feeling less reliant on other people’s validation, less scared of people not liking me, more steadfast in my sense of identity. Real high school shit to be honest - I guess I never really learned how not to give so much of a shit about other people’s opinions about me, largely because it felt like my own parents didn’t like me very much, and that hurt me. I’m trying to protect myself from feeling that hurt again, to the point where it dictates big parts of my life. 

I have been craving how I felt while I was still in Nepal. I felt present, and deeply connected to myself. I haven’t felt that way in weeks, months. It’s a difficult feeling to describe. Mostly, it means that I spend a lot of time not really experiencing moments, not really being present in them. I can fill this journal entry with beautiful photos from this month, amazing experiences had, and they feel empty. It’s similar to what I wrote in my last journal entry: I know that, objectively speaking, everything is amazing, pretty perfect really. And yet I feel these things. It makes me feel ungrateful (unhelpful), whiny (unhelpful), guilty (unhelpful) and exasperated (unhelpful). I think a more helpful attitude towards it is recognizing that a lot of the habits I developed when I was younger are no longer particularly useful, and sometimes downright harmful. And to also celebrate that I am trying to disrupt them, unlearn them, and replace them with healthier patterns. That growth will feel uncomfortable and slow, but I am trying, and that is exciting.

At the same time, this month has made me realize that this unlearning is a practice, and it requires attention. I’m excited to direct some of my attention and focus to that going forward.

7 March: Ski Touring Sky Pilot with E and H. So beautiful, first time being in what felt like ‘proper’ mountaineering terrain. Unbelievable views and lovely company, as always. The lighting and cloud cover made it feel like we were on a different planet. So far from everything. So much untouched snow. A long and unforgettable walk.

18 March: Unwinding after my third weekend at Galiano and an emotional final day. Felt unseen and panicked, painted to soothe myself. Watched Dune (stunning visuals but poorly cast; Timothee Chalamet is very vanilla). 

MORE DIONISIO?!

20 March: Picnic with T and V. Lots of poo talk (“I shit myself every 3 months” - anonymous) and laughter. Singing to early 2000s bangers on the way home: Man Who Can’t Be Moved; Irreplaceable; Unwritten, and many more.

Highlights from this month:

I finally passed my driving test on March 1st!

Photo taken with potato phone

4 March: Galiano with Tom

UNBELIEVABLE

24 March: This city comes alive with the cherry blossoms. I love watching people take photos of these gorgeous trees. You often see people stand under the trees snapping hundreds of selfies at a time, rotating under the tree with their arms stuck out, trying to get the best shot. It’s lovely.

16-17 MARCH

Misc. Evenings on the beach watching the sunset are coming back, cold and beautiful. Several Easter celebrations were held this month and they all entailed sitting by water and soaking in the tentative early Spring sunshine.

28 March - 1 April: Easter long weekend. Crows feasted on cheese and sausages (18, extracted from their plastic wrappers with surgical precision). We saw our first sea cucumber and sat around and watched it for a while. Gender division: boys gather around things and kick them (big tree trunks, stranded beach wheels), girls collect little sticks and rocks. Don’t point at eagles, it’s disrespectful. Ninja camping and more sausages. First climb of the season - russsssstyyyyyyy. Canoeing at night with a panicked H, and naming constellations: the pyramid of love, the sickle, sunny’s face (smol dog), the alien creature looming over the lake..