I am writing this in a beautiful farmhouse in Nova Scotia, surrounded by old Hemlock forest blanketed by snow. The walls are thin and the floor is creaky, and I’m worried the sound of my typing will wake up my colleagues, who are spread out in rooms next to and below mine, and who I’ve met for the first time on this trip. It is 11 pm and the sky is clear. A Waxing Gibbous moon illuminates the snow on the tree branches just enough so that when I look up, the sky and trees twinkle together. There is so much I want to write, but it’s difficult to type quietly, and I need more time to gather my thoughts. For now, then, I’ll just keep it brief.

I was compelled to write here because of a feeling. I want to describe the feeling as persistent; a nagging, prodding type of feeling that keeps rearing its ugly head. Am I happy with T? Do I like my life in Vancouver? I’ve been on this carousel for so long and I’m getting tired of it. But I’m trying to put into practice what I’m learning, to nip it in the bud and prevent it from proliferating further. I am feeling so many things right now - jealousy, rejection, lack of fulfillment, anger - and I’m feeling it all while I’m in a new and exciting place, surrounded by interesting and inspiring people. I’m making links between those two things in my head: maybe I am unhappy, maybe I need to live my life elsewhere, maybe the life I’ve built for myself in Vancouver doesn’t fit me anymore. And maybe there are elements of truth in that - I certainly don’t always feel like I can be my‘self’ in certain aspects of my life in Vancouver. And maybe I can explore that gently. I’ve already identified strategies that would work (live your life - see what sticks) and I’m texting T right now and look at that - the view’s expanded again.. more later.